Tammy is typically the one who enters posts and I am so glad that she has been able to do so. This blog has become a journal of our family.
I want to create a post so that I can remember this time in my life. I am currently in my third year of medical school and it is definitely much better than my first two years. Nevertheless, I sometimes feel like I cant go another day. It is difficult to stay focused day in and day out, working hard, studying for tests and realize that it will be years before we can settle in a town or live a "regular life". Tammy has been an anchor to me, I know that she inspires me to be better. She does not have to take a test each month but she deals with all the duties at home each day, raises our children and supports me in my career. I cant be thankful enough for all the she does for me.
I have enjoyed my clinical rotations so far, although sometimes I get tired of being the student. It feels sometimes like an act on a play. It feels like each person has their role and though the scripts are not written, there is an unspoken rule about being a medical student. It does not matter whether I like the physician I am with or not; I must show interest, respect and desire to be there. It reminds me of the psychological study back in the 60's in which a group of people were told to act like prison guards and another group to act like prisoners. After only a short week both groups of people became the role they were acting. They talked and behaved as prison guards or prisoners. In similar fashion I feel like I have been told that I am a medical student and I catch myself talking and behaving "like a medical student should". I hunger for independence and for the freedom to be act like I want.
My last rotation (October) was general surgery. I enjoyed observing and assisting in procedures. I enjoyed the feeling of the operating room and so far I think I want to do some kind of surgery for my future career. It was funny to observe the different roles "played" in the OR. Some were the OR techs, some were the nurses, etc. Each person had their role and it was fascinating how serious each of them took their roles. Now, I am not saying that it is not good to be serious when doing surgery but I am referring to the attitudes and language used. Many of the people were offended if I helped them or asked to do some of their jobs. It was amazing to realized how personal some of the people took their roles. I cannot imagine seeing them behave the same way in their personal lives. Nonetheless, while I was in the OR I felt like I was in a Shakespearean play. I had to follow the script or I was booted off stage. There was another student from a different school in Tennessee; apparently she did not follow the scrip and I often heard "how terrible" she was.
I think one of the most difficult challenges of life right now is not having an income and realizing each day the I am accumulating more and more debt. My parents need help as well as my brother but I can't do much for them. I don't have the money or time to travel to see them. It saddens me that my parents have not met Levi or Malachi. At the same time I have responsibilities at home. I am a father and a husband. Some days it does not matter how tired or frustrated I was at the hospital when I get home I must be ready to be a father and a husband. I am glad to be those things but it is hard sometimes to keep up with all.
I have a few more rotations here in Utah and then I am kind of on my own. I have to set up my own rotations at the end of this year and during my forth year. I am not really looking forward to that as I will have to make calls, ask places, etc to set up my rotations. Not to mention that there may be times when I will have to travel outside UT leaving my family here alone. There is a lot to learn and although my daily routine is not excessively physical is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I am considering the field of OBYGN as I think is a field that has clinic and operating room. It seems like a good mix and I think I will enjoy it. I still have my mind open for pediatrics or other field but for now I am shooting for OBGYN. We'll see by next summer.
This week, Tammy and the kids left to Cedar city so that I could have time to study for my surgery shelf exam. They left monday and I will meet them on Thanksgiving. I have been alone for about 6 days and although I got to sleep in on Saturday (normally the kids are up by 7 am) I miss them like crazy. I realized that I need them in my life and I know I would not be the person I am without them. I start my second family medicine rotation on Monday at the Ogden Clinic. It seems promising so I hope to enjoy it and learn a lot.
I am excited about the future. However, I can't stop thinking on some of the challenges that may lay on our paths. I worry about my parents, they are getting older and some day they wont be able to work. I only hope that I will have the resources and ability to help them when the time comes.
For now, I am having a good time and regardless of the challenges we are blessed beyond measure. I have two healthy beautiful children and a wonderful wife. My life is full of love and I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for all that I have been given.
